How to deal with emotionally escalated people

A few years ago Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson wrote one of the most helpful parenting books I have ever read; The Whole Brain Child. I think every parent should read it... twice. One of the most effective strategies presented in the book is the "Connect & Redirect" approach to dealing with an emotionally escalated child. The more I use this technique with children however, the more I realize that it works just as effectively with EVERYONE. Not just as a technique to get someone to stop freaking out but a skill that will allow you to maintain and even improve your relationships, even in times of distress.

Let me explain,

We are all aware of the neurological concept of a left and right hemisphere. The left hemisphere is logical and linear while the right is more emotional and experiential. Small children have not developed their left hemisphere sufficiently enough to rationalize their way through some problems so they experience elevated emotional states. The brain activity is almost entirely right sided at those moments. It's why we hit our heads against the wall when we try and use logic to diffuse our two year old who refuses to keep her clothes on in the public fountain. Logic, as sound as it may be at the time, does not work because the other person is on the wrong side of the brain, or rather, you are on the wrong side of the brain.

This is not just a parent vs. child phenomenon. We are all guilty at one time or another of being the irrational, right brain "spazz" or the insensitive, left brain "jerk". Siegel and Payne Bryson point out something that we have known intuitively for most of our lives and that is that winning a rational argument during an emotionally elevated encounter ends up not being much of a win at all. We need to remember the right-left combo. Connect with the right and then and only then do you redirect with the left. It's an essential life skill that can be the make-or-break point of our most cherished relationships. Love and connection is too important for us to not at least attempt to learn this skill.

Here's how it goes. Your loved one is emotionally elevated. You're either thinking, "how do I get out of this?" or "how do I make it better". Either way, you're thinking left-brain logically and your loved one is currently in a right-brain rage. Step one is to change your approach from trying to put a fire out to trying to feel the heat yourself (I recognize that in a literal sense this is terrible advice but metaphorically you'll have to just trust me). A logical argument is more likely to be fuel for the fire than a remedy. It is by attuning to the emotion that you let it burn what it needs to burn and run its course.

You want to make an empathic statement like, "This is frustrating for you." or "I can see on your face how sad this is for you." No judgement. No solution offering. Just you being there and attempting to experience what they are experiencing. The right brain is great at that. Look at their body language and facial expressions and let that tell you what it is they might be experiencing. Try and block out the words they are saying (easier said than done I know). Then you reflect your observations to them (observation about what their body is telling you, not words). You will notice quickly that if you are attuned to their distress they will deescalate very quickly more times than not. When you notice their body language looking more relaxed and less distressed then it might be time for the left-hook.

When the time is right to engage the left side you use it not win the argument but to offer rational explanations and affirmations. Now is the time to explain that your phone died so you couldn't text your wife/husband back or that you already committed your Thursday evening to a work function so you can't watch your sister's kids. Rational doesn't have to be cold though so you want to follow up with some affirming statements about how you can try and meet that person's needs in a different way or at another time.

Connect with the right and redirect with the left. You can become the person that is emotionally available AND still sage and wise with your advice. We all need someone who will take the time and emotional effort to validate and empathize with us at our worst. Be that person for someone else. If you're not good it then work on it. Your quality of life depends on it.