Transactive Memory and the Psychology of "My Heart Will Go On"

Our brains are constantly looking for short-cuts in order to increase efficiency. In our infancy we actually have more neural pathways than we do as adults. The process of maturing actually involves a pruning of sorts where pathways that are used are strengthened and those that are not are discarded. A less is more kind of approach.

Another curious example of how we look for ways to lessen the load on our poor brains is by something that Daniel Wegner called 'transactive memory' which he describes as a "shared system for encoding, storing, and retrieving information". The gist is that we outsource certain cerebral tasks to people with whom we have some kind of close relationship. Let's look at a work example first. I don't know how to change my default printer but I know who can. I don't have every severe allergy of the children in my building memorized but I know who does. There are certain pieces of information that do not need to take up my valuable mental real estate, all I need is a place holder of sorts; a reference card. If I know who I can to retrieve that information than I never need to learn it myself. Efficient organizations have effective and intricate transactive systems.

At home we experience this as well. My mom doesn't need to learn how to work the universal remote because my Dad does that. One partner might do the taxes, the other might do all the planning for a child's summer camp. Couples share certain tasks, relieving the other from using mental energy to do the same and then hopefully it is reciprocated in other areas. I'm not saying that every domestic responsibility should be divided but this tends to naturally happen and it's an example of one person using another person's mental space/energy to store some kind of information pertinent to his/her life.

There is another, less practical but perhaps more important application of transactive memory and that is that this phenomenon includes shared memories, not just outsourced ones. Two or more people might encode, store, and retrieve certain memories together, entwining their psyches so to speak. This is a part of intimacy that enriches our relationships and deepens our mutual adoration. For example, I'm sure that [insert current attractive celebrity] is a real catch but she would have nothing on my wife Sarah because there is no transactive memory, no history. There's just no comparison. In a not so metaphorical sense, part of you resides in another.

Enter mortality.

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die" - Thomas Campbell

When we lose a loved one we often say that we feel like a part of us has died. Transactive memory tells us that this is the case. Every shared memory between you and the deceased has been lost so there is a very legitimate claim to this aspect of your grief. Transversely however, the transactive memories of that deceased still remain alive in you. Our minds are wonderful and wonderfully powerful. We can honour and cherish our loved ones after they have left us by accessing them within our own mind. This may sound too 'religious' to seculars and too 'secular' for the religious but it's real. I live fairly close to a cemetery and will occasionally visit it with my daughter/s in the stroller. Nobody I know is buried in that cemetery... yet, but often wonder about how when I utter a name from a random tombstone if I am the first to speak of this individual in years. If my brief moment to recognize this person has extended his or her "life", even for a few seconds. 

I believe it's important and incredibly gratifying to search out your family history and bring these people back to life. I also aim to live my life so that I can leave a positive legacy that lasts as far into the future as possible. That the impact that I have on this world will continue to ripple through humanity far beyond my brief stay on this planet.

Titanic was the biggest movie of my childhood and 'My heart will go on' by Celine Dion on the soundtrack was almost equally as epic. You know a song is special when no one even dares to cover it. It's not everyone's cup of tea but you have to admit that my girl Celine lays it out like no one else. Perhaps one of the most endearing components of this song, outside of Celine's out of this world vocals, is the reference to having one's life extended by living on in the heart of his beloved. Transactive memory is a fancy, psychological term that suggests that this is the case. 

What's the takeaway?

Spend your days encoding and storing memories with those you love the most. When they pass you will be able to hold on to those shared memories, keeping your loved one alive in your heart. When you pass, your influence can continue indefinitely. Whatever your religious beliefs, this is a literal life after death.