How to engineer your mental health
It's World Mental Health Day and I wanted to quickly share my opinions on how we can all engineer our lives so that we can improve our psychological well-being. I chose the term 'engineer' because I think we often feel like our mental health is either fatalistically determined by our genes or our current life situation, in either case giving us little hope for any sort of change. While those are significant factors in our well-being there is still plenty of intervention within our realm of control and influence that can result in a higher quality of life.
The first set of engineering tips have to do with building up and investing in family and community.
I use these terms loosely to represent both our core and peripheral social networks. By family I refer to a dense group of 2-10 people who are your primary sources of attachment, connection, and safety. Within a family you would hopefully find mutual respect and affection. Healthy families have a set culture of standards of behaviour but also a high threshold for deviancy. In other words, you have expectations for each other but you welcome each other with open arms after a member breaks those standards. I recognize that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have a core, biological family that provides the emotional safety and positive regard I need. For some people, their 'family' in this sense of the word, might consist of little to no blood relatives. For some it might be a group of roommates or tight-knit friends. Whether it's literally your biological family or not, you need to invest in having constant access to a tight-knit group of supportive people.
Community in this case refers to the important connections that you have outside of your family. You might not be as intensely involved in each other's lives but you operate at a certain level of camaraderie and cooperation that gives you an increased sense of safety and connection in your social life. Your community might be through work, school, or heaven forbid, your actually physical neighbourhood. The quality of your communal social network is important but as far as quantity, sometimes less can be more. There is anthropological evidence that if we have more than approximately 150 friends, some of these people are not really your friends. You may be friendly with hundreds and through social media you could be connected to thousands but the quality of your network could suffer if you stretch beyond this threshold. Jonathan Haidt said that "the most powerful force ever known on this planet is human cooperation" but the larger our social network becomes the harder it is to foster cooperation unless said community has what Yuval Noah Harari calls a "shared myth." This is some kind of vision, dream, or idea that binds a community together. The most effective example of this would religions both theistic (Christianity, Islam, Buddhism etc.) and non-theistic (Liberalism, Communism, Capitalism, etc.). Bound together by these ideologies you will be able to benefit from a larger social net. Regardless, my suggestion is still to engineer your life to seek quality relationships and connections in your family and community rather than the weaker, sparser, more surface level networks we see in today's technological age.
Engineering stronger family and community ties:
- be in close physical proximity to your "family"
- devote time to your closest loved ones
- read Dale Carnegie and use those techniques on your neighbours/ co-workers
- host/suggest dinner parties/ picnics with people with whom you have a "friend crush"
- initiate a club/group that shares a common hobby or interest
- get involved with your church/neighbourhood association/ political party etc.
- take more vacations in order to spend time with loved ones. You'll make the money back.
- love people; use things not the other way around
- if you feel disconnected from absolutely everyone, connect with a mental health professional who will show you unconditional positive regard in a judgment free environment. That alone could be 90% of what ails you. I would say look for someone that says they work from a Rogerian or person-centered therapy but I would be hard pressed to find any therapist that doesn't subscribe in one way or another to this perspective.
The second set of engineering tips pertain to developing a stronger sense of meaning in your life.
Design your life so that you are playing a significant role in a cause greater than yourself. Picasso said that , "the purpose of life is to find your gift and the meaning of life is to give it away." Maybe you find yourself stuck in a job that lacks meaning yet leaving the job would put you and your family at too great of a financial risk. I believe that the tips on family above in some ways supersede meaning finding, primarily because working your ass off to provide for your family might be one of the most meaningful pursuits there are. Modern, western, self-help culture proscribes a meaningful life as an individual, self-centered endeavour. I believe that the most meaningful projects that you will engage in will more than likely involve people you love and care about as well. Perhaps instead of a complete career or religious overhaul you could look at where you are and try and find the deeper richer meaning in what you are currently doing. The most famous example cited in numerous books and inspirational talks is that of the hospital janitor who when asked what he did for a living responded something to the effect of, "I contribute to healing people." Know yourself. Know what you value and look for how you are currently honouring those values. If you still see room for improvement then maybe you need to supplement your daily activities with some more meaningful pursuits.
Engineering more meaningful activities:
- make a list of your skills and then research opportunities in your community in which you might be able to offer your skills that would improve the life of someone else
- learn your family history and try to draw psychological connections between the stories of your ancestors and your current story
- write in your journal annually so that you can tell the story of the past year comprehensively with more context
- find a values inventory and reflect on what your most sacred values are. Remind yourself of these values daily so that they can better guide your day-to-day decisions
- talk to a mental health professional who is trained in existential or narrative therapies to help you better understand what is important and meaningful to you
The last set of engineering tips that I will share involve the actual emotional feeling and experience of well-being.
Our society is increasingly setting us up to fail when it comes to our mental health. Even blogs like this, with the intention of being helpful, can actually advance the narrative that being sad, anxious, or angry is a bad thing and that we need psychologists to heal us. We are in a state of almost constant wanting and craving for more even though in general we are as wealthy and privileged and safe as we have ever been. We think that we'll be happy once we have that new house, or new job, or new spouse... We are less connected to our families and communities than ever, all while being stuck on the hedonic treadmill that leads nowhere and lacks purpose. Well-being often comes, paradoxically from being content with our current situations. When we don't get what we want we crave comfort and relief and when that comfort doesn't come right away we grow anxious and our suffering increases. Even when we get what we want we crave more, and more often and ultimately end up dissatisfied. Buddha taught that if we don't crave we don't suffer. Human beings have shown a superhuman capacity at times for humility, gratitude, and perspective in some of the most dire situations possible. I recently heard of a 10 year old refugee girl who remembers finding marbles one day in camp. It was one of her happiest memories. Sadness, anger, anxiety, are not feelings that need to be fixed. They just are. They are human feelings that speak to our human condition and bear testament to our state of living. It is possible to experience sadness or fear without suffering. We can learn and practice to be grateful for what we have, who we are, who we're with, and what we are doing. By this many people's mental illness can be not cured, but transformed into regular, normal, expected human emotion. You can be free from society's insistence that you are ill by allowing your experience to be what it needs to be.
Engineering your emotions:
- practice gratitude for the "small things"
- practice wonder for the history that is held in every molecule of dust around you. Where has it been? What has it witnessed? What has it been a part of?
- reflect on what you have, who you are, and what you do without judgment
- practice mindful meditation. Use guided meditations.
- talk to a mental health professional who has training in cognitive behavioural therapy. They will be able to help you see how you are perceiving the world and how you can change those perceptions to foster more optimism
The first set of engineering tips have to do with building up and investing in family and community.
I use these terms loosely to represent both our core and peripheral social networks. By family I refer to a dense group of 2-10 people who are your primary sources of attachment, connection, and safety. Within a family you would hopefully find mutual respect and affection. Healthy families have a set culture of standards of behaviour but also a high threshold for deviancy. In other words, you have expectations for each other but you welcome each other with open arms after a member breaks those standards. I recognize that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have a core, biological family that provides the emotional safety and positive regard I need. For some people, their 'family' in this sense of the word, might consist of little to no blood relatives. For some it might be a group of roommates or tight-knit friends. Whether it's literally your biological family or not, you need to invest in having constant access to a tight-knit group of supportive people.
Community in this case refers to the important connections that you have outside of your family. You might not be as intensely involved in each other's lives but you operate at a certain level of camaraderie and cooperation that gives you an increased sense of safety and connection in your social life. Your community might be through work, school, or heaven forbid, your actually physical neighbourhood. The quality of your communal social network is important but as far as quantity, sometimes less can be more. There is anthropological evidence that if we have more than approximately 150 friends, some of these people are not really your friends. You may be friendly with hundreds and through social media you could be connected to thousands but the quality of your network could suffer if you stretch beyond this threshold. Jonathan Haidt said that "the most powerful force ever known on this planet is human cooperation" but the larger our social network becomes the harder it is to foster cooperation unless said community has what Yuval Noah Harari calls a "shared myth." This is some kind of vision, dream, or idea that binds a community together. The most effective example of this would religions both theistic (Christianity, Islam, Buddhism etc.) and non-theistic (Liberalism, Communism, Capitalism, etc.). Bound together by these ideologies you will be able to benefit from a larger social net. Regardless, my suggestion is still to engineer your life to seek quality relationships and connections in your family and community rather than the weaker, sparser, more surface level networks we see in today's technological age.
Engineering stronger family and community ties:
- be in close physical proximity to your "family"
- devote time to your closest loved ones
- read Dale Carnegie and use those techniques on your neighbours/ co-workers
- host/suggest dinner parties/ picnics with people with whom you have a "friend crush"
- initiate a club/group that shares a common hobby or interest
- get involved with your church/neighbourhood association/ political party etc.
- take more vacations in order to spend time with loved ones. You'll make the money back.
- love people; use things not the other way around
- if you feel disconnected from absolutely everyone, connect with a mental health professional who will show you unconditional positive regard in a judgment free environment. That alone could be 90% of what ails you. I would say look for someone that says they work from a Rogerian or person-centered therapy but I would be hard pressed to find any therapist that doesn't subscribe in one way or another to this perspective.
The second set of engineering tips pertain to developing a stronger sense of meaning in your life.
Design your life so that you are playing a significant role in a cause greater than yourself. Picasso said that , "the purpose of life is to find your gift and the meaning of life is to give it away." Maybe you find yourself stuck in a job that lacks meaning yet leaving the job would put you and your family at too great of a financial risk. I believe that the tips on family above in some ways supersede meaning finding, primarily because working your ass off to provide for your family might be one of the most meaningful pursuits there are. Modern, western, self-help culture proscribes a meaningful life as an individual, self-centered endeavour. I believe that the most meaningful projects that you will engage in will more than likely involve people you love and care about as well. Perhaps instead of a complete career or religious overhaul you could look at where you are and try and find the deeper richer meaning in what you are currently doing. The most famous example cited in numerous books and inspirational talks is that of the hospital janitor who when asked what he did for a living responded something to the effect of, "I contribute to healing people." Know yourself. Know what you value and look for how you are currently honouring those values. If you still see room for improvement then maybe you need to supplement your daily activities with some more meaningful pursuits.
Engineering more meaningful activities:
- make a list of your skills and then research opportunities in your community in which you might be able to offer your skills that would improve the life of someone else
- learn your family history and try to draw psychological connections between the stories of your ancestors and your current story
- write in your journal annually so that you can tell the story of the past year comprehensively with more context
- find a values inventory and reflect on what your most sacred values are. Remind yourself of these values daily so that they can better guide your day-to-day decisions
- talk to a mental health professional who is trained in existential or narrative therapies to help you better understand what is important and meaningful to you
The last set of engineering tips that I will share involve the actual emotional feeling and experience of well-being.
Our society is increasingly setting us up to fail when it comes to our mental health. Even blogs like this, with the intention of being helpful, can actually advance the narrative that being sad, anxious, or angry is a bad thing and that we need psychologists to heal us. We are in a state of almost constant wanting and craving for more even though in general we are as wealthy and privileged and safe as we have ever been. We think that we'll be happy once we have that new house, or new job, or new spouse... We are less connected to our families and communities than ever, all while being stuck on the hedonic treadmill that leads nowhere and lacks purpose. Well-being often comes, paradoxically from being content with our current situations. When we don't get what we want we crave comfort and relief and when that comfort doesn't come right away we grow anxious and our suffering increases. Even when we get what we want we crave more, and more often and ultimately end up dissatisfied. Buddha taught that if we don't crave we don't suffer. Human beings have shown a superhuman capacity at times for humility, gratitude, and perspective in some of the most dire situations possible. I recently heard of a 10 year old refugee girl who remembers finding marbles one day in camp. It was one of her happiest memories. Sadness, anger, anxiety, are not feelings that need to be fixed. They just are. They are human feelings that speak to our human condition and bear testament to our state of living. It is possible to experience sadness or fear without suffering. We can learn and practice to be grateful for what we have, who we are, who we're with, and what we are doing. By this many people's mental illness can be not cured, but transformed into regular, normal, expected human emotion. You can be free from society's insistence that you are ill by allowing your experience to be what it needs to be.
Engineering your emotions:
- practice gratitude for the "small things"
- practice wonder for the history that is held in every molecule of dust around you. Where has it been? What has it witnessed? What has it been a part of?
- reflect on what you have, who you are, and what you do without judgment
- practice mindful meditation. Use guided meditations.
- talk to a mental health professional who has training in cognitive behavioural therapy. They will be able to help you see how you are perceiving the world and how you can change those perceptions to foster more optimism
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