Questions your teen has about sex but will never ask you
Many parents fight vehemently for the right to be the sole sex educator for their children. The idea of letting some stranger (nurse, teacher, counsellor) who may or may not share the parent's values, talk to their kids about a topic so delicate and important as sex might be unsettling. Parents reserve the right to be in charge of their children's sex education and I don't argue against that.
A teacher, nurse, or counsellor is not the perfect way to teach your child about sex but I think we need to admit that putting the onus entirely on the parent is not perfect either. For many parents the sex talk is a dreaded, awkward, one time event which is swiftly pushed into the far reaches of the memories of everyone involved. I haven't met many parents who look forward to the sex talk with their kids.
But let's be honest. Is there really one neat set of facts about sex that we can share with our kids when we deem them ready and then call it done, never to be spoken of again? Is sex that simple?
I suggest not. In fact, I believe that we have been and continue to be learning about sex since we can remember. So if we talk to our parents about it once and maybe a teacher, nurse, or counsellor once or twice, where else are we getting our information?
Teens are naturally intrigued by sex. They are constantly forming questions and looking for answers and the truth is that media in all its forms, good, bad, and ugly, are doing the majority of the educating when it comes to sex. When and if you had a sex talk with your parents do you remember there being any surprises? Or did you pretend that you'd never heard of it when really you had seen it every Friday night on HBO since you were 11. You remember that episode of Friends or the magazine your friend showed you. Maybe your curiousity drew you to just google whatever it was you were wondering. Chances are you learned about it in grizzly detail long before your Dad awkwardly stumbled his way through explaining what happens when a man loves a woman very very much.
Here are a few examples of what teens want to know, why they won't ask you about it, and where they are most likely to get that information in the end.
1) What is it like?
Having been exposed to it through media since childhood and being genetically and hormonally programmed to want it, teens are intensely curious about what that special day (or night most likely) will entail. They wonder how it will develop, with whom it will happen, how it will feel, etc. This thought (or dare I call it a fantasy) will most likely be a regular fixture in their psyche for years.
Now why wouldn't they want to talk about this highly motivating dream of theirs with their Mom and Dad? In many families, the idea of merely admitting to your parents that you want to have sex one day is mortifying to all parties. Of course there's the obvious fear of bringing it up to your parents and then being subject to hearing their opinions on sex which might project mental images of the two of them and all of a sudden you're ready to crawl into a hole and die. You can't unhear those stories. Aside from that, teens fear being judged, losing freedoms, or most importantly, losing their shroud of innocence that helps them maintain the Daddy/daughter bond they have always shared. In essence, they feel shame for having the feelings in the first place and fear losing the relationship they currently enjoy with their parents. Long story short. They aren't going to ask you this question.
So how are they going to find out? There are few t.v. programs today that don't offer their version of what sex is and how it feels. The trouble is, most of the time sex is portrayed as fleeting, cheap, and meaningless. It's about feeling good; bottom line. If t.v. isn't enough, teens are also highly likely to use the internet for sex education. Online you can literally find anything you want to see or hear. The problem of course is that kids are seeing it all. All except intimate, complicated, emotionally intricate love making. There isn't a market for that. When parents complain about how terrible sex education is these days I agree, but I'm speaking about the real sex educators.. the Ron Jeremys and Jenna Jamesons of the world.
2) How do you please the other person?
Media has turned sex into a video game. It's all about performance. Young men especially are deeply drawn to sex but perhaps even more deeply terrified of being bad at it. They google the Kama Sutra and watch porn, ask their older friends that have supposedly pleasured half of the girls in school and try and find the perfect technique or position that will drive her wild. Their manhood depends on it. In fact, when you dissect men's fantasies (which I do regularly in my work) the sex takes a backseat. The fantasy is often based on compensating for low self esteem, lack of a sense of manhood and power, a desired to be desirable etc. Young men want to be Casa Nova and they think that giving their girlfriend an orgasm is the ultimate trophy. They become obsessed with performance which often leads to one or both of the following: a) performance anxiety in the form of premature ejaculation or impotence and b) a lack of true emotional intimacy. She feels like an instrument being awkwardly played instead of a human being trying to connect in the deepest possible way with another human being. But I digress, youngster want to know how to do it and do it well.
Cite the reasons in the first example as to why they wouldn't dare ask you this question. Remember, shame is the fear of not being worthy of belonging or connection. Your son is afraid to talk to you about this because of how you might see him after finding out that he has been researching oral sex techniques. He's afraid that you won't see him the same as before; and be honest! Would you? Are you worried about the same thing?
3) What is the best form of contraception?
Teens know the consequences of sex thanks to media. They have been using the word gonorrhea to make fun of people and gross their friends out years before the sex ed teacher brought it up. Be sure of that! They want to avoid STIs and teen pregnancies more than you do. The problem is, many kids are terrified to admit that they are thinking about having sex. My asking their parents about contraception they are putting sexual activity on the table and that might unacceptable in their home. They haven taught to use common sense and will power to practice the surest form of protection: abstinence. Phewf! We taught our kids abstinence just in time. Now we don't have to worry about anything... that was a close one. Not so fast. Teenage pregnancies are highest in states that teach abstinence only sex education. What often happens is that teens refuse to buy or bring contraception on a date because that is evidence against their intentions. It's premeditated premarital sex. They rationalize that if it "just happens" then there is somehow less guilt involved. It was an accident.
Not teaching your kids about contraception is like not buying home insurance because you're not planning on burning your house down. It does not condone house burning. It's a precaution just in case.
4) Is ______ normal?
Partly because kids are curious and just weird but also because internet pornography supplies a buffet of sexual acts and tastes, many teens have varying fantasies, fetishes, or fears in regards to sex and feel like they are the only one in the world that feels this way or does this particular thing. They want so desperately to know that what they are doing, or thinking, or wanting to do is normal, that they are not the only one. The trouble is they are terrified of admitting it, especially to Mom and Dad. So instead they use chatlines and social media to seek others like them who are also in the shadows. It is there in the shadows that maladaptive and isolating behaviours can really affect a young person's psychosocial development.
The Point
Parents should definitely be the ones in charge of their children's sex education but maybe there are certain areas in which some parents may wish to outsource. Maybe there are people out there who are trained to talk about these delicate issues who do not have as intense an emotional investment in your children as you do. They (you can probably tell that I'm referring to me) can provide an objective, safe atmosphere for your child to finally step out of the shadows and express some thoughts or ask some questions he or she would never imagine asking you no matter how great your relationship is. I'm on your side. I, and others like me (ie health nurses, teachers, counsellors etc.) are very important but underutilized resources. Give it some thought.
A teacher, nurse, or counsellor is not the perfect way to teach your child about sex but I think we need to admit that putting the onus entirely on the parent is not perfect either. For many parents the sex talk is a dreaded, awkward, one time event which is swiftly pushed into the far reaches of the memories of everyone involved. I haven't met many parents who look forward to the sex talk with their kids.
But let's be honest. Is there really one neat set of facts about sex that we can share with our kids when we deem them ready and then call it done, never to be spoken of again? Is sex that simple?
I suggest not. In fact, I believe that we have been and continue to be learning about sex since we can remember. So if we talk to our parents about it once and maybe a teacher, nurse, or counsellor once or twice, where else are we getting our information?
Teens are naturally intrigued by sex. They are constantly forming questions and looking for answers and the truth is that media in all its forms, good, bad, and ugly, are doing the majority of the educating when it comes to sex. When and if you had a sex talk with your parents do you remember there being any surprises? Or did you pretend that you'd never heard of it when really you had seen it every Friday night on HBO since you were 11. You remember that episode of Friends or the magazine your friend showed you. Maybe your curiousity drew you to just google whatever it was you were wondering. Chances are you learned about it in grizzly detail long before your Dad awkwardly stumbled his way through explaining what happens when a man loves a woman very very much.
Here are a few examples of what teens want to know, why they won't ask you about it, and where they are most likely to get that information in the end.
1) What is it like?
Having been exposed to it through media since childhood and being genetically and hormonally programmed to want it, teens are intensely curious about what that special day (or night most likely) will entail. They wonder how it will develop, with whom it will happen, how it will feel, etc. This thought (or dare I call it a fantasy) will most likely be a regular fixture in their psyche for years.
Now why wouldn't they want to talk about this highly motivating dream of theirs with their Mom and Dad? In many families, the idea of merely admitting to your parents that you want to have sex one day is mortifying to all parties. Of course there's the obvious fear of bringing it up to your parents and then being subject to hearing their opinions on sex which might project mental images of the two of them and all of a sudden you're ready to crawl into a hole and die. You can't unhear those stories. Aside from that, teens fear being judged, losing freedoms, or most importantly, losing their shroud of innocence that helps them maintain the Daddy/daughter bond they have always shared. In essence, they feel shame for having the feelings in the first place and fear losing the relationship they currently enjoy with their parents. Long story short. They aren't going to ask you this question.
So how are they going to find out? There are few t.v. programs today that don't offer their version of what sex is and how it feels. The trouble is, most of the time sex is portrayed as fleeting, cheap, and meaningless. It's about feeling good; bottom line. If t.v. isn't enough, teens are also highly likely to use the internet for sex education. Online you can literally find anything you want to see or hear. The problem of course is that kids are seeing it all. All except intimate, complicated, emotionally intricate love making. There isn't a market for that. When parents complain about how terrible sex education is these days I agree, but I'm speaking about the real sex educators.. the Ron Jeremys and Jenna Jamesons of the world.
2) How do you please the other person?
Media has turned sex into a video game. It's all about performance. Young men especially are deeply drawn to sex but perhaps even more deeply terrified of being bad at it. They google the Kama Sutra and watch porn, ask their older friends that have supposedly pleasured half of the girls in school and try and find the perfect technique or position that will drive her wild. Their manhood depends on it. In fact, when you dissect men's fantasies (which I do regularly in my work) the sex takes a backseat. The fantasy is often based on compensating for low self esteem, lack of a sense of manhood and power, a desired to be desirable etc. Young men want to be Casa Nova and they think that giving their girlfriend an orgasm is the ultimate trophy. They become obsessed with performance which often leads to one or both of the following: a) performance anxiety in the form of premature ejaculation or impotence and b) a lack of true emotional intimacy. She feels like an instrument being awkwardly played instead of a human being trying to connect in the deepest possible way with another human being. But I digress, youngster want to know how to do it and do it well.
Cite the reasons in the first example as to why they wouldn't dare ask you this question. Remember, shame is the fear of not being worthy of belonging or connection. Your son is afraid to talk to you about this because of how you might see him after finding out that he has been researching oral sex techniques. He's afraid that you won't see him the same as before; and be honest! Would you? Are you worried about the same thing?
3) What is the best form of contraception?
Teens know the consequences of sex thanks to media. They have been using the word gonorrhea to make fun of people and gross their friends out years before the sex ed teacher brought it up. Be sure of that! They want to avoid STIs and teen pregnancies more than you do. The problem is, many kids are terrified to admit that they are thinking about having sex. My asking their parents about contraception they are putting sexual activity on the table and that might unacceptable in their home. They haven taught to use common sense and will power to practice the surest form of protection: abstinence. Phewf! We taught our kids abstinence just in time. Now we don't have to worry about anything... that was a close one. Not so fast. Teenage pregnancies are highest in states that teach abstinence only sex education. What often happens is that teens refuse to buy or bring contraception on a date because that is evidence against their intentions. It's premeditated premarital sex. They rationalize that if it "just happens" then there is somehow less guilt involved. It was an accident.
Not teaching your kids about contraception is like not buying home insurance because you're not planning on burning your house down. It does not condone house burning. It's a precaution just in case.
4) Is ______ normal?
Partly because kids are curious and just weird but also because internet pornography supplies a buffet of sexual acts and tastes, many teens have varying fantasies, fetishes, or fears in regards to sex and feel like they are the only one in the world that feels this way or does this particular thing. They want so desperately to know that what they are doing, or thinking, or wanting to do is normal, that they are not the only one. The trouble is they are terrified of admitting it, especially to Mom and Dad. So instead they use chatlines and social media to seek others like them who are also in the shadows. It is there in the shadows that maladaptive and isolating behaviours can really affect a young person's psychosocial development.
The Point
Parents should definitely be the ones in charge of their children's sex education but maybe there are certain areas in which some parents may wish to outsource. Maybe there are people out there who are trained to talk about these delicate issues who do not have as intense an emotional investment in your children as you do. They (you can probably tell that I'm referring to me) can provide an objective, safe atmosphere for your child to finally step out of the shadows and express some thoughts or ask some questions he or she would never imagine asking you no matter how great your relationship is. I'm on your side. I, and others like me (ie health nurses, teachers, counsellors etc.) are very important but underutilized resources. Give it some thought.
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