The Psychology of...

There are few social science researchers that hit the “rock star” status equivalency but if there is one that you want to be familiar with I’d have to say it’s Phil Zimbardo. Most people are familiar with his Stanford Prison study from the 70s but Dr. Z has continued to contribute paradigm shifting research and theory since then. He presented a theory called the “Lucifer Effect” which is essentially how good regular people (which for all intents and purposes is virtually every human being) end up doing horrific and evil deeds. He defines evil as the exercise of power to harm others psychologically, hurt them physically, destroy them mortally, or to commit crimes against humanity. In my line of work, partners of addicts often ask, “How could he do this to me?” “Does he have no soul?” “Is he just evil?” “Is he a sociopath?” How does a good, loving, considerate man chronically and consistently choose infidelity over faithfulness? How does a good person threaten their job by act

Terrible things happen in the world every day and we are becoming more and more aware of how human beings react to these events. When we think of traumatic experiences we typically think of the horrors of war, natural disasters, or heinous crimes. In my work I see the devastating and often traumatizing effects of serial infidelity due to an addiction. One of the most common and normal responses to trauma is a shattered belief about the self, others, and the future. Your entire world changes and it takes a while to make sense of this new reality that you've been handed. If you are experiencing this after a traumatic life event, this does not necessarily mean you have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). In the case of a partner of a sex addict, she might begin to question her own worth or beauty. She would wonder how she could have missed what are now blatantly obvious signs that something was amiss. Her ability to trust her husband or men in general could be completely shattere

Money is one of our culture's deepest taboos. You can't talk about how much you  make or spend or save or invest although we still find not so subtle ways of getting that same point across. Financial status is our culture's ultimate litmus test of success.  In our culture your salary, your possessions, and your bank account define you so when you feel like your spending habits are out of control, when your debt keeps piling on, or your relationships are crumbling due to financial infidelity, the last thing you want to do is tell anyone or admit to anything. This is when people crawl further into hiding where the addiction thrives. It's estimated that 6% of Americans (and Canadians wouldn't be much different) struggle with spending compulsively. Keep in mind that behaviours aren't considered addictions until they cause significant distress and complications in one's life. In the case of this issue distress may come in many forms. Arguments over money and s

We laugh at the idea of shopping addictions but the reality is that for some people spending can become out of control, compulsive, and highly destructive. Before you go diagnosing everyone around you however;  let's look at the misconceptions around compulsive spending: 1) you might enjoy shopping a lot. This does not automatically mean you have a problem. 2) there is no magic amount of money that you need to spend in a given shop-a-thon to meet the criteria for an addiction. 3) you don't have to be rich. Compulsive spending is no respecter of persons 4) Men spend compulsively just as much as women. 5) You don't  have to buy high end stuff. Many compulsive shoppers just can't resist a good deal. Now let's look at what might tip you off that you have a problem with spending 1) You hide your purchases or the true price of your purchases in fear of what others will think. 2) You go shopping for nothing in particular even though you don't have money. 3) You are una

You may feel like throwing the Iphone or the computer in the garbage if you've seen your child's browsing history but here are 3 things you want to keep 1.   Keep Perspective - In the world we live in now it is extremely rare to find a young man who hasn't seen pornography. Most boys will say they haven't ... they have. At least half of all girls have as well. It may go against your moral expectations and you are justified in your concern but keep in mind that it is a virtual give-in. Do not feel like yours is the only child that looks at porn. 2.   Keep Your Cool - The cover up is worse than the crime. In general and certainly when it comes to sexuality we want our kids to be open and honest with us. This is how we can best be certain that they are safe and regain trust and confidence. If you drop the hammer on them you risk driving them further into isolation and lessening the likelihood of them ever telling you of there struggles again. Studies show that