The Psychology of...

Do you remember getting in trouble for saying the word penis?  Whether it was a verbal warning, soap in the mouth, or "that look" that told you not to repeat that word again in public, many of you can probably recall the time that you found out that certain body parts were shameful. I admit, hearing the names of genitalia come out of children's mouths is unsettling but when this happens we adults have an important teaching opportunity that we can't squander. So your kid says vagina in public... you might be embarrassed... but let's consider the alternative and unfortunately more common result. Kids learn that words like penis and vagina are shameful first because Mom and Dad won't even say them. Parents opt for "less threatening" euphemisms. Adults scoff and overreact if kids do use the actual words, reinforcing the idea that their genitals and the words for them are bad. Then, from media or peers, kids learn new words to represent

There are a lot of Facebook posts and blogs going around that demonize pornography. Critics respond to these posts by blaming ultra conservative, right-wing religions for imposing their brand of morality on the rest of the world. "Stay out of our bedrooms," they demand. To which I reply, gladly. Here is where I have a problem with the porn industry. Most people's conceptualization of mainstream pornography is silicone injected women posing nude or being filmed performing sex acts (which, despite being extremely objectifying, is seen as relatively tame or harmless by most people). The truth is, 88% of the most viewed pornography depicts violent acts ( Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C., & Liberman, R. (2010) . We are not talking about steamy skin flicks that little Johnny might stumble across randomly. Online pornography provides instant and free access to any deviant or violent sexual act you could dream of. Young people these days are growing up

There are few social science researchers that hit the “rock star” status equivalency but if there is one that you want to be familiar with I’d have to say it’s Phil Zimbardo. Most people are familiar with his Stanford Prison study from the 70s but Dr. Z has continued to contribute paradigm shifting research and theory since then. He presented a theory called the “Lucifer Effect” which is essentially how good regular people (which for all intents and purposes is virtually every human being) end up doing horrific and evil deeds. He defines evil as the exercise of power to harm others psychologically, hurt them physically, destroy them mortally, or to commit crimes against humanity. In my line of work, partners of addicts often ask, “How could he do this to me?” “Does he have no soul?” “Is he just evil?” “Is he a sociopath?” How does a good, loving, considerate man chronically and consistently choose infidelity over faithfulness? How does a good person threaten their job by act

Terrible things happen in the world every day and we are becoming more and more aware of how human beings react to these events. When we think of traumatic experiences we typically think of the horrors of war, natural disasters, or heinous crimes. In my work I see the devastating and often traumatizing effects of serial infidelity due to an addiction. One of the most common and normal responses to trauma is a shattered belief about the self, others, and the future. Your entire world changes and it takes a while to make sense of this new reality that you've been handed. If you are experiencing this after a traumatic life event, this does not necessarily mean you have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). In the case of a partner of a sex addict, she might begin to question her own worth or beauty. She would wonder how she could have missed what are now blatantly obvious signs that something was amiss. Her ability to trust her husband or men in general could be completely shattere

Money is one of our culture's deepest taboos. You can't talk about how much you  make or spend or save or invest although we still find not so subtle ways of getting that same point across. Financial status is our culture's ultimate litmus test of success.  In our culture your salary, your possessions, and your bank account define you so when you feel like your spending habits are out of control, when your debt keeps piling on, or your relationships are crumbling due to financial infidelity, the last thing you want to do is tell anyone or admit to anything. This is when people crawl further into hiding where the addiction thrives. It's estimated that 6% of Americans (and Canadians wouldn't be much different) struggle with spending compulsively. Keep in mind that behaviours aren't considered addictions until they cause significant distress and complications in one's life. In the case of this issue distress may come in many forms. Arguments over money and s

We laugh at the idea of shopping addictions but the reality is that for some people spending can become out of control, compulsive, and highly destructive. Before you go diagnosing everyone around you however;  let's look at the misconceptions around compulsive spending: 1) you might enjoy shopping a lot. This does not automatically mean you have a problem. 2) there is no magic amount of money that you need to spend in a given shop-a-thon to meet the criteria for an addiction. 3) you don't have to be rich. Compulsive spending is no respecter of persons 4) Men spend compulsively just as much as women. 5) You don't  have to buy high end stuff. Many compulsive shoppers just can't resist a good deal. Now let's look at what might tip you off that you have a problem with spending 1) You hide your purchases or the true price of your purchases in fear of what others will think. 2) You go shopping for nothing in particular even though you don't have money. 3) You are una

You may feel like throwing the Iphone or the computer in the garbage if you've seen your child's browsing history but here are 3 things you want to keep 1.   Keep Perspective - In the world we live in now it is extremely rare to find a young man who hasn't seen pornography. Most boys will say they haven't ... they have. At least half of all girls have as well. It may go against your moral expectations and you are justified in your concern but keep in mind that it is a virtual give-in. Do not feel like yours is the only child that looks at porn. 2.   Keep Your Cool - The cover up is worse than the crime. In general and certainly when it comes to sexuality we want our kids to be open and honest with us. This is how we can best be certain that they are safe and regain trust and confidence. If you drop the hammer on them you risk driving them further into isolation and lessening the likelihood of them ever telling you of there struggles again. Studies show that

The name of my blog is “From Recovery to Flourishing”. I think it’s time I explain my logic. When I think of the word recovery I think of illness, injury, and addiction. I think of an event or condition that has caused considerable distress or trauma. Recovering from one of these conditions is of utmost importance and urgency. If you were drowning, recovery is getting out of the water to safety. Those who struggle with addictions, especially process addictions like sex or food or spending typically take between 2 – 5 years of individual and group therapy to achieve and sustain their recovery. Dry land. A healthy relationship with the behavior that used to be toxic…. So then what comes after that? Positive Psychology is a movement dedicated to better understanding optimal living: that which makes life great rather than manageable. While treating illnesses is necessary and noble, Positive Psychology aims to understand and promote flourishing. The following are the five elemen

On July 20th, 2013 I felt my unborn child kick for the first time. It was my first interaction with my son or daughter. My brain lit up. I was filled with a warm feeling that everything was ok. That life was meaningful. Biologically, the reason for this warm sensation was the rush of oxytocin being released by my nervous system. Oxytocin is often considered the cuddle hormone. It's that feeling you get from Christmas morning or a warm hug. Oxytocin is released both for baby and mother during nursing. It's released at orgasm. Oxytocin bonds us to people and experiences. Research has shown that babies' health will often deteriorate dramatically without touch. Some argue that this need for human physical connection doesn't end in infancy. We all need to feel connected to others and it is often through touch that we establish, maintain, or strengthen these connections. Without it we experience what some call touch hunger. Babies crave it. Even and especially boys. Boys

"I loved my husband and I wanted his comfort, yet he was the source of my searing pain."  - a partner of a sex addict. Imagine that you are walking in a park when all of a sudden you are assaulted. Imagine the trauma of having your safety and security compromised in a place that you thought was safe. And then imagine that the person to whom you most wanted to go for comfort during this delicate and vulnerable event was the very assailant that attacked you in the first place. This is one of the best analogies I have heard to describe the experience of someone who finds out that their partner struggles with addictive sexual behaviours. Working for  LifeSTAR Alberta  I have had the rewarding opportunity to work with groups of women whose husbands have compulsive sexual behaviours. When people first hear of our program they think immediately and only of the addict. In fact LifeSTAR was one of the first and is still one of the only programs that provides comprehensive treatm

After treating dozens of people who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviours and reading case studies of hundreds of others I have become aware of certain common themes in their life stories. Here is a list and a description of those themes according to my experience. How to Build a Sex Addict: 1) Sexualize them early . This might be the most obvious theme.  Virtually all women and a large portion of men who struggle with sex addiction were sexually abused as children.  It is also my experience that the men I have seen had been exposed to or had actively sought out pornography and/or sexual touching with peers by the age of 12 which most would agree is too young to process such emotions. Although these trends are common, it is my opinion that early sexualization in itself only contributes to the development of a sexual addiction when in conjunction with the next theme. 2) Isolate and abandon them . Most of us have experienced some form of neglect or abandonment at one point

Here it is folks. The meaning of life. Of course, when we ask this question we are generally asking more for the purpose of life. Why am I here? Where am I going? etc. Today I am looking at it more in the sense of the significance of life. What is the element or elements that make our lives meaningful? In my opinion, life is significant when it is connected. Dr. Brene Brown said, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” Social and spiritual connection creates context in our lives. Reference points that illustrate where we are in relation to others. Our connections show us the place we hold. One letter typed on your screen is devoid of meaning but when connected to others it plays an important role in communicating a message. We all seek meaning in our lives. Depending on our age and circumstance, this mig

We tend to compartmentalize our lives, or perhaps more accurately our identities. Work you. Home you. Church you. School you. Compulsive you.  We do this internally as well.  We divide our  "self" into the physical domain, the intellectual, the emotional, the sexual, and the spiritual among others.  We view each domain as its own separate compartment and divide our time accordingly. "I really should work out today" (physical). "I'm going to set aside some time tonight to study" (intellectual). This practice helps us prioritize our time, make specific goals, and work towards "well-roundedness".  Often people view spirituality in the same manner. As if there were a percentage of one's life, time, or self that constitutes his or her spirit.  I view it differently. Spirituality is bringing together all aspects of ourself into one. An at-one-ment. Not only is it an intensely meaningful feeling of atonement but it transcends our self. It's

I had a cancellation so I'm going to keep going. First of all, let's just review that sex addiction is not a moralistic condemnation of what goes on in some people's bedroom compared to what goes on in others. In fact, I myself cringe at the stigma that surrounds the word addiction to the point that I prefer to use compulsive sexual behaviours. Regardless, we're talking about the same thing. An inability to stop a behaviour that has had negative consequences on one's life, and that has caused the person's life to be unmanageable and out of control. So who are the people I see? The people that walk through the doors of LifeSTAR are some of the bravest people I know. They have been suffering with something that most people laugh at, ignore, deny, or discredit. They have been hiding that which in some circles brings more shame than anything else... and they come to group therapy of all things. They lay it on the line and open up with me and other group members in

So I am a sex addiction therapist. Some of you might be thinking... oh come on. If sex addiction is a real thing then shouldn't 95% of the population be in treatment?Isn't sexual drive just a natural force? Isn't this just a case of rampant conservatism imposing their strict and puritanical morals on the rest of society? Or you might wonder what kind of creepy perverts I meet everyday and what kind of crazy disturbing topics are discussed in any given group session. You might wonder how dealing with people who self-identify as sex addicts affects me and my relationships? Allow me first to enlighten you on the controversial topic of sex addiction. This issue is not a matter of how much sex you have or what kind of "deviance" or "kink" you prefer. It's not directly a morally prescriptive problem either (ie. pornography is bad therefore if you watch it regularly you're addicted). It is not the same thing as sex offending. Not all sex offenders a

After years of battling the urge to start a blog I feel like I finally have something worthy to be read. I guess you will be the judge of that. My name is Zac Rhodenizer and I work as a therapist, public speaker, educator, and interpreter. If I had to sum up what my blog has to offer you, it is the fact that my work is focused on the areas of life where I think most people have struggled to some extent. I study and treat process addictions; namely: sex and pornography addiction, food addiction, and spending addiction. I will write more about these topics throughout the next few weeks because there are a lot of controversy around using the word "addiction" when it comes to aspects of our lives that are essential pieces of who we are and what we do. How many pieces of pie makes me an addict? How many affairs or how many dollars spent etc. These aren't the questions to ask but I'll talk more about that later. What I can promise you is that I'll talk about things that