How to Flourish in Elementary School
It has been a long while since I shared anything but given that we are heading into a new school year and my focus has shifted towards elementary school counselling I thought I would share what I think are essential elements for our youngsters to have a great year.
These ideas are adapted primarily from Dr. Martin Seligman who is considered the father of Positive Psychology. He laid out a framework for well-being which I believe fits across age levels, The acronym to help you remember this framework is P.E.R.M.A. (Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Achievement). Each facet of PERMA is separate although interconnected piece of your child's "have a good year" puzzle. I am going to briefly explain some empirically supported strategies to help you help your child develop each of these facets so that they can be happier and more successful this year.
Positive Emotions
Before I launch into the admittedly overly optimistic and sometimes naive "just think more positively" approach I need to stress that all emotion can be positive and appropriate. If you are in a period of grief over the loss of a loved or if your child's pet is sick it is appropriate and therefore positive to feel sad, angry, or scared (the so-called "bad emotions"). Part of being human is feeling the entire spectrum of human emotion.
That being said, we struggle when our children express or experience prolonged periods of sadness or anxiety. Especially if and when there seems to be no rational explanation for these emotions. These feelings need to be acknowledged and honoured so they can play their role and dissipate. Future blog posts will be dedicated to this endeavour.
For the purposes of today's post, I am going to highlight strategies that can be used to really savour the more pleasant emotions and experiences.
The key here is slowing down. When your kids are doing something that they enjoy. Slow down and enjoy it with them. Reflect with them on what is so enjoyable about it. Put your phone down and mention to your son how it makes you feel to see him smile while he draws or plays with his action figures. Ask your daughter what she likes about playing restaurant or jumping on the bed. Maybe you need to learn how to just observe them and stay out of their way. Sometimes when we intervene so much during their fun it ruins it for them so you can save the reflecting for when they have finished the activity.
Practice doing things slowly and mindfully. Really tune into your senses and then show your children how to as well. I like to think of a basketball team's starting lineup. Each of our five senses plays a different role. I pick my favourite things to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch to form my All-Star team of senses. Teach your kids how to slow things down and zero in on that one sense for a matter of minutes. Try and take one full minute to eat a strawberry. Normally a strawberry goes down the gullet in a matter of seconds. If you force yourself to keep that fruit in your mouth for upwards of a minute you will find so much more enjoyment and satisfaction. Have you children sit and really soak in their favourite song or sound. Maybe there is a calming fabric for them to caress or a landscape or painting they can just look at. Slowly savouring life will do them wonders.
This practice serves multiple purposes. First, it is teaching your children how to truly enjoy and feel pleasure from the simple things around them. These pleasures stimulate their brains in a positive way. The mindfulness approach will help them regulate emotions and improve motivation. Your children will be less bored and will be able to focus better in school.
Bottom line though. It feels great, These are practices that make life feel and seem wonderful.
Recommended reading: The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel, Mindfulness for kids, Sitting Still like a Frog by Eline Snel
Engagement
Getting A's and gold stars is wonderful. Quite often though, it is more rewarding to parents than it is to children. Additionally, good grades do not always indicate that actual learning has taken place. Despite what you may think, all children enjoy learning, they just may not want to learn what the teacher is presenting to them. When children, or anyone for that matter, are truly engaged in an activity, they learn and progress psychologically at a much quicker rate and they like it. Psychologist Mike Cziksentmihayli called this experience of engagement 'flow'. We are in flow when time flies and we are zeroed in on a task. It happens when a task's difficulty matches our skill level.
When kids are in flow or 'in the zone' they are on task, they are focused, and they are learning. Kids need flow and they are much more likely to experience flow during play than schoolwork. Now, I'm not suggesting that you throw all the books out and just play video games. Great teachers are able to design tasks and consult with the student him or herself so that projects can be assigned that get their creative juices flowing and launch them into extended periods of flow.
While achievement is great and important, the key here is to focus on the process rather than the product. Great achievers understand it is by embracing the process that we end up eventually getting the results our teachers and parents want. The process is the challenging but satisfying part. Give your child time to build their time machine in the backyard or shoot their movie. When they get excited about a project it can be used as a positive reinforcement. If they finish their chores and school work then they are free to continue developing their 15-part miniseries. Even if they don't end up producing anything or even if it isn't that good, the process of following through with an idea will benefit them immensely in their future academic endeavours. Not to mention it provides even more of those positive emotions I mentioned above.
Your children have signature strengths that can give you a clue as to what type of activities will provide them with flow. Have them take VIA Strength Survey for children.
Recommended reading/viewing: Flow (Ted Talk by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi),
Relationships
It is my firm belief that meaning and joy in life is only experienced through our connections. We are hard-wired to be social. Our greatest moments will involve the love and compassion of others and are worst anxieties and lowest depressions will come from the pain and fear of disconnection and isolation. Our children crave our love and affection and will struggle terribly if they are not getting it.
Some of the best ways we can buoy are children emotionally is by reassuring them that even when the days get stressful this year, they can rely on our unconditional love and acceptance. That ultimately, no matter the grades they bring home or stain on their jeans, you will be there for them.
This does not, however, mean that we negate their accountability. In your interactions with your children you need to model to them how to confront someone who is behaving in a way that hurts your connection. You remind them that your shared goal is to be close but when they ignore your requests for them to clean their room, you feel taken advantage of and frustrated, which pushes the two of you further apart.
All relationships experience some kind of strain. The connection runs risk of major damage when the awkward feelings of resentment, jealousy, or shame fester in the unspoken space between you. In healthy relationships both parties have the courage to be vulnerable and discuss the feelings between them in a way that promotes the recovery rather than a retreat or retaliation.
Children learn to relate to others primarily at home. Teach them to be accountable by being accountable yourself. Teach and model vulnerability and compassion. Understand that the conflict between us and our kids tends to have more to do with our fear rather than their bad behaviour.
After children have an established emotional base at home they are more confident to and capable to make and maintain positive relationships at school. They can work through conflict rather than avoid it which is typically the cause of fractured relationships. They will feel connected and worthy of that connection which sets them up to flourish in all aspects of life.
Recommended reading: The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary, Brene Brown Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Meaning
Purpose and meaning are some of the most effective motivators. When your children have their eyes set on an endeavour that is meaningful to them they will be intrinsically drawn to it, it will occupy their mental space, and will supersede any other task before them.
Meaning can from anywhere and will vary child to child but one universal aspect of meaning is that it will almost certainly include transcending the ego or the individual. In other words, endeavours that make you a significant part of something greater than yourself will be meaningful.
Do not mistake meaning for enjoyment although they will coexist. Playing video games is fun. Playing video games with your Dad for the first time since your parents' divorce and you were unsure what kind of relationship you would have with him after he moved out: that's meaningful.
Think back to the idea of signature strengths. If your child has identified his or her signature strengths and can then come up with a way to use that strength towards a project or initiative that benefits others, they are well on their way to having meaningful experiences regularly.
Kids in my neighbourhood had a lemonade sale to raise money for families effected by the Fort McMurray fires. Other kids I have worked with started initiatives for the earthquake in Haiti in 2010. These projects fill them with confidence, help them connect more with others, increase positive emotions, and get them engaged in something meaningful.
A great place to start fostering more meaning is to practice gratitude. Talk to them at the end of the day about the things that they appreciate from their interactions that day. Another valuable exercise is having your children reflect on meaningful past experiences. What did they appreciate about it? What skills or attributes did they develop or exercise? What challenges did they face? How were those challenges overcome?
When it comes to school work one of the biggest challenges is convincing our kids that their work has a purpose and let's face it, some of it doesn't. However, if we can tie our kids work to something they find meaningful they will succeed. Word of warning, if the meaning you tie to schoolwork is focused around getting good grades which lead to good career etc. your child is not likely to truly latch on. These payoffs are just too far in the future to have much motivational relevance today. Try focusing on the knowledge and skills that can be obtained through mastery and how such knowledge can help your child contribute to a very important cause. For example, getting an 'A' in French class feels good but learning enough French to send a letter of condolences to a family in Paris after a terrorist attack is life-changingly meaningful.
Recommended reading: 25 children's books that teach values
Achievement
OK so I have to admit that my focus is much more on children's well-being than whether they get A's in school but the PERMA model acknowledges that achievement plays an important and separate role in human flourishing. We can be happy, in a great relationship, and engaged in meaningful causes but it also feels great to be acknowledged for our efforts by accolades, promotions, and praise.
I think there needs to be caution in placing your priorities solely on your child's achievement but ultimately our kids do want to do well. We naturally and intrinsically want to do well, please and impress others, and feel like we are competent.
In my work however, I very rarely even discuss this last element and the reason is simple. When our kids develop the first four elements of flourishing they will have so much momentum and motivation that achievement is inevitable. They will naturally end up achieving greatness.
Recommended reading: Originals by Adam Grant
These ideas are adapted primarily from Dr. Martin Seligman who is considered the father of Positive Psychology. He laid out a framework for well-being which I believe fits across age levels, The acronym to help you remember this framework is P.E.R.M.A. (Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Achievement). Each facet of PERMA is separate although interconnected piece of your child's "have a good year" puzzle. I am going to briefly explain some empirically supported strategies to help you help your child develop each of these facets so that they can be happier and more successful this year.
Positive Emotions
Before I launch into the admittedly overly optimistic and sometimes naive "just think more positively" approach I need to stress that all emotion can be positive and appropriate. If you are in a period of grief over the loss of a loved or if your child's pet is sick it is appropriate and therefore positive to feel sad, angry, or scared (the so-called "bad emotions"). Part of being human is feeling the entire spectrum of human emotion.
That being said, we struggle when our children express or experience prolonged periods of sadness or anxiety. Especially if and when there seems to be no rational explanation for these emotions. These feelings need to be acknowledged and honoured so they can play their role and dissipate. Future blog posts will be dedicated to this endeavour.
For the purposes of today's post, I am going to highlight strategies that can be used to really savour the more pleasant emotions and experiences.
The key here is slowing down. When your kids are doing something that they enjoy. Slow down and enjoy it with them. Reflect with them on what is so enjoyable about it. Put your phone down and mention to your son how it makes you feel to see him smile while he draws or plays with his action figures. Ask your daughter what she likes about playing restaurant or jumping on the bed. Maybe you need to learn how to just observe them and stay out of their way. Sometimes when we intervene so much during their fun it ruins it for them so you can save the reflecting for when they have finished the activity.
Practice doing things slowly and mindfully. Really tune into your senses and then show your children how to as well. I like to think of a basketball team's starting lineup. Each of our five senses plays a different role. I pick my favourite things to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch to form my All-Star team of senses. Teach your kids how to slow things down and zero in on that one sense for a matter of minutes. Try and take one full minute to eat a strawberry. Normally a strawberry goes down the gullet in a matter of seconds. If you force yourself to keep that fruit in your mouth for upwards of a minute you will find so much more enjoyment and satisfaction. Have you children sit and really soak in their favourite song or sound. Maybe there is a calming fabric for them to caress or a landscape or painting they can just look at. Slowly savouring life will do them wonders.
This practice serves multiple purposes. First, it is teaching your children how to truly enjoy and feel pleasure from the simple things around them. These pleasures stimulate their brains in a positive way. The mindfulness approach will help them regulate emotions and improve motivation. Your children will be less bored and will be able to focus better in school.
Bottom line though. It feels great, These are practices that make life feel and seem wonderful.
Recommended reading: The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel, Mindfulness for kids, Sitting Still like a Frog by Eline Snel
Engagement
Getting A's and gold stars is wonderful. Quite often though, it is more rewarding to parents than it is to children. Additionally, good grades do not always indicate that actual learning has taken place. Despite what you may think, all children enjoy learning, they just may not want to learn what the teacher is presenting to them. When children, or anyone for that matter, are truly engaged in an activity, they learn and progress psychologically at a much quicker rate and they like it. Psychologist Mike Cziksentmihayli called this experience of engagement 'flow'. We are in flow when time flies and we are zeroed in on a task. It happens when a task's difficulty matches our skill level.
When kids are in flow or 'in the zone' they are on task, they are focused, and they are learning. Kids need flow and they are much more likely to experience flow during play than schoolwork. Now, I'm not suggesting that you throw all the books out and just play video games. Great teachers are able to design tasks and consult with the student him or herself so that projects can be assigned that get their creative juices flowing and launch them into extended periods of flow.
While achievement is great and important, the key here is to focus on the process rather than the product. Great achievers understand it is by embracing the process that we end up eventually getting the results our teachers and parents want. The process is the challenging but satisfying part. Give your child time to build their time machine in the backyard or shoot their movie. When they get excited about a project it can be used as a positive reinforcement. If they finish their chores and school work then they are free to continue developing their 15-part miniseries. Even if they don't end up producing anything or even if it isn't that good, the process of following through with an idea will benefit them immensely in their future academic endeavours. Not to mention it provides even more of those positive emotions I mentioned above.
Your children have signature strengths that can give you a clue as to what type of activities will provide them with flow. Have them take VIA Strength Survey for children.
Recommended reading/viewing: Flow (Ted Talk by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi),
Relationships
It is my firm belief that meaning and joy in life is only experienced through our connections. We are hard-wired to be social. Our greatest moments will involve the love and compassion of others and are worst anxieties and lowest depressions will come from the pain and fear of disconnection and isolation. Our children crave our love and affection and will struggle terribly if they are not getting it.
Some of the best ways we can buoy are children emotionally is by reassuring them that even when the days get stressful this year, they can rely on our unconditional love and acceptance. That ultimately, no matter the grades they bring home or stain on their jeans, you will be there for them.
This does not, however, mean that we negate their accountability. In your interactions with your children you need to model to them how to confront someone who is behaving in a way that hurts your connection. You remind them that your shared goal is to be close but when they ignore your requests for them to clean their room, you feel taken advantage of and frustrated, which pushes the two of you further apart.
All relationships experience some kind of strain. The connection runs risk of major damage when the awkward feelings of resentment, jealousy, or shame fester in the unspoken space between you. In healthy relationships both parties have the courage to be vulnerable and discuss the feelings between them in a way that promotes the recovery rather than a retreat or retaliation.
Children learn to relate to others primarily at home. Teach them to be accountable by being accountable yourself. Teach and model vulnerability and compassion. Understand that the conflict between us and our kids tends to have more to do with our fear rather than their bad behaviour.
After children have an established emotional base at home they are more confident to and capable to make and maintain positive relationships at school. They can work through conflict rather than avoid it which is typically the cause of fractured relationships. They will feel connected and worthy of that connection which sets them up to flourish in all aspects of life.
Recommended reading: The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabary, Brene Brown Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto
Meaning
Purpose and meaning are some of the most effective motivators. When your children have their eyes set on an endeavour that is meaningful to them they will be intrinsically drawn to it, it will occupy their mental space, and will supersede any other task before them.
Meaning can from anywhere and will vary child to child but one universal aspect of meaning is that it will almost certainly include transcending the ego or the individual. In other words, endeavours that make you a significant part of something greater than yourself will be meaningful.
Do not mistake meaning for enjoyment although they will coexist. Playing video games is fun. Playing video games with your Dad for the first time since your parents' divorce and you were unsure what kind of relationship you would have with him after he moved out: that's meaningful.
Think back to the idea of signature strengths. If your child has identified his or her signature strengths and can then come up with a way to use that strength towards a project or initiative that benefits others, they are well on their way to having meaningful experiences regularly.
Kids in my neighbourhood had a lemonade sale to raise money for families effected by the Fort McMurray fires. Other kids I have worked with started initiatives for the earthquake in Haiti in 2010. These projects fill them with confidence, help them connect more with others, increase positive emotions, and get them engaged in something meaningful.
A great place to start fostering more meaning is to practice gratitude. Talk to them at the end of the day about the things that they appreciate from their interactions that day. Another valuable exercise is having your children reflect on meaningful past experiences. What did they appreciate about it? What skills or attributes did they develop or exercise? What challenges did they face? How were those challenges overcome?
When it comes to school work one of the biggest challenges is convincing our kids that their work has a purpose and let's face it, some of it doesn't. However, if we can tie our kids work to something they find meaningful they will succeed. Word of warning, if the meaning you tie to schoolwork is focused around getting good grades which lead to good career etc. your child is not likely to truly latch on. These payoffs are just too far in the future to have much motivational relevance today. Try focusing on the knowledge and skills that can be obtained through mastery and how such knowledge can help your child contribute to a very important cause. For example, getting an 'A' in French class feels good but learning enough French to send a letter of condolences to a family in Paris after a terrorist attack is life-changingly meaningful.
Recommended reading: 25 children's books that teach values
Achievement
OK so I have to admit that my focus is much more on children's well-being than whether they get A's in school but the PERMA model acknowledges that achievement plays an important and separate role in human flourishing. We can be happy, in a great relationship, and engaged in meaningful causes but it also feels great to be acknowledged for our efforts by accolades, promotions, and praise.
I think there needs to be caution in placing your priorities solely on your child's achievement but ultimately our kids do want to do well. We naturally and intrinsically want to do well, please and impress others, and feel like we are competent.
In my work however, I very rarely even discuss this last element and the reason is simple. When our kids develop the first four elements of flourishing they will have so much momentum and motivation that achievement is inevitable. They will naturally end up achieving greatness.
Recommended reading: Originals by Adam Grant
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