How to be anti-bullying and remain pro-human being

Allow me to speak on behalf of educators and specifically school counsellors for a moment and say that we admit that our efforts to counter bullying have resulted in some unexpected and less desirable outcomes.

First, we cry "bully" too often. Two boys have a foot race and when one wins and celebrates his victory the vanquished tells his teacher that he's being bullied. Two girls play tag and in her excitement one tags the other aggressively causing her to fall and scrape her elbow. The fallen tells her Mom when she gets home that her once "friend" bullied her at recess.

The term bully has come to replace actions like aggression, bragging, or even horseplay. Let's be clear on what bullying really is so that we can focus our efforts on this very real but very misrepresented phenomenon. Bullying is more than just aggressive behaviour. At its core, bullying is about an abuse of power. It's coercion and repeated intimidation from a place of power. Example: One child uses influence with other students to daily intimidate a peer in the cafeteria who then retaliates by using physical aggression. Both behaviours are unacceptable at school. One is bullying.

In my experience dealing with conflict at school, it is common that both parties involved will cite bullying as a reason for their behaviour. I think that in our efforts to be anti-bullying we have given children and parents a license and an excuse to reciprocate inappropriately under the guise of standing up to bullying. "Sure my child pushed over that boy but she only did it because the boy was a bully and she was standing up for herself". There is a stark difference between conflict resolution and the bully-victim dynamic. Most of what is called bullying at schools is actually just conflict where two or more parties disagree or have competing efforts. This is dealt with teachers AND parents holding everyone involved accountable for anti-social behaviour. Children should be held accountable for the role they play in the conflict as opposed to learning that if they come up with a good enough story, they can paint the other party as the bully and have an alibi.

But even when we are certain that bullying has taken place we shouldn't be so quick to point fingers. While I am extremely pro-accountability we are wise to deal with perceived bully in a way that takes into account other precipitating factors. Anyone who can threaten, intimidate, and act violently towards another is in need of emotional/psychological and perhaps environmental and biological intervention. The victims will need support and encouragement to help heal wounds but real "fix" is in changing the bullying behaviour and this behaviour does not often react well to authoritarian punishment. As hard as it may be for some, empathy can work wonders in repairing a bully's hurt. And let it be clear I'm not talking about making the bully have empathy for the victim, I'm talking about us as leaders showing empathy to the bully. They hurt others because they hurt themselves and they need someone who can look through their hard exterior to see the wounded child within.

It's a lot to ask. I, like most, am repulsed by violent, vindictive behaviours. But there is always another story behind it that needs to be heard. When you empathically pay attention to the alleged "bully" you will start to see that a) true bullying is happening a lot less than many think and b) unconditional love to those who try to make themselves unloveable is one of the most effective ways to change and prevent bullying.