What you SHOULD learn from '13 Reasons Why'

This is part II of my critique of the Netflix series '13 Reasons Why'. For Part I click here

In today's post I wish to share what positive can be gleaned from this polarizing, dark teen drama. Let's get right into it.

What you SHOULD learn from '13 Reasons Why'

That 'rape culture' is real and we are bystanders to the objectification and violation of women and girls. Hannah Baker places the blame of her death on a number of her schoolmates who each played their role in her feeling ostracized and rejected, but if you have watched the show you know that there is one true villain in the equation. Hannah is viciously sexually assaulted in what most people would agree is the second most disturbing scene in the series. She is overpowered and abused by someone she knows in the way that most people who imagine sexual violence. Pretty text book really. Except that in this series we also get to see the cumulative effects of those around her who, while not physically contributing to her rape, emotionally rob her of her humanity. From the scores of boys who speak to and treat her as an object to the girls who attack her character to save their own reputations. The counsellor that doesn't believe her. The friend who was also sexually assaulted and didn't report anything, allowing the perpetrator to strike again. Even the squeaky clean Clay is guilty of objectifying Hannah in his mind and judging her character based on rumours and sexist bias. Rape is physically and emotionally scarring but one of the most dangerous potential results is the potential for what I would call a cognitive mutation. This one thing happens to a young girl (or boy for that matter but in this case it's a girl) and all of a sudden her entire view of the world and herself has been violently altered. Self-worth shatters. Trust in others, especially men wanes. Sense of connection to loved ones or to purpose in life is robbed. Then there's the rest of us. Having online debates over why so-and-so shouldn't have been drinking, or wearing a skirt, or at a party. Lambasting women who dare wear spaghetti straps when it's hot outside while remaining silent on men who speak about women as if they were objects rather than human beings. This show demonstrates a) how the attention and blame in sexual assault is almost entirely directed to the victim while the perpetrator faces little consequence and b) the damning effects of the silence of your closest allies. This show begins the conversation (doesn't come close to finishing it but it at least starts it) about how we all can stand up to comments, jokes, and behaviours that condone sexual violence and objectification.

That suicide is brutal and terrifying. There is a lot of talk about this series glamourizing suicide. I can only speak for myself but when I had finished watching 13 Reasons, I came away feeling the opposite of glamour. The controversial suicide scene is terrifyingly realistic and brutal. Many will say that this scene is essentially a tutorial but my response is that in our age, if a teen wanted to know how to slit their wrists "the right way" they could find that out with one click, a lot faster than watching 13 hours of Netflix. From Romeo & Juliet to Les Mis to Birdman there have been suicides depicted romantically in pop culture. 13 Reasons, in my view, does not romanticise suicide. If and when you talk to teens about this show, reflect with them how it felt to see that scene. Does Hannah's death seem as a victory over her foes or her trials? I don't think so. My reaction was sadness for this character (I know we're talking fiction but good fiction makes you suspend your disbelief for a moment), a character who did not need to die but who felt trapped. My heart wrenched as I watched her Mom discover her lifeless body, holding on to the naïve hope that she'd be ok. She hurt, she screamed, and she painfully and gruesomely lost her life. It scared me. Suicide scares me. We want suicide to scare our kids. We live in a world where kids are more afraid of what their parents or peers might say about them than DYING A PAINFUL DEATH. It's backwards. If your child has seen this show, talk to them about how scary dying this way is. It is not romantic and I think this series did a good job of portraying the horror of suicide.

That keeping secrets is not worth it. As mentioned above, many of our teens do not trust adults. The perception is that we don't get it, we don't really want to help, and even if we did we don't really know how to help and therefore they are better off keeping their mouths shut. Watch this show and tell me that every single character does not pay dearly for not opening up to a trusted adult. There is an entire sub-world of chaos that is happening under the noses of every adult in this series and much of the turmoil could have been avoided if parents were allowed, just momentarily even, into the loop. Hate, depression, addiction, and shame all thrive in the darkness. Secrets are the vehicle for much of this world's unnecessary pain and suffering. If you're teen is watching this show, discuss with them how you would want them to come to you if they were in  similar positions as the kids in this show. Don't pretend you won't be upset but reassure them that no matter how angry you get you will still love them and protect them from harm regardless of their dark secrets. Let your children know that your well-being and safety trumps whatever embarrassment or guilt that will come from their teenage hijinks. Maybe the conversation about 13 Reasons can force some awkward conversations about how boys treat girls in their school or about what goes on at their parties. Let them know that your love and bond are stronger than the judgments and disappointments that may come from whatever story they need to tell you. Hopefully your kids learn from this show that keeping secrets in the way that these kids did is the vehicle by which terrible tragedies to occur.
Full disclosure, I was, and in some ways still am, haunted by the scene of Hannah's death but as my discomfort dissipated I was left with a resolve to do everything in my power and knowledge to prevent this from happening to anyone I knew or had any level of influence over.

That schools need to invest more in mental health resources and training. Yes the school counsellor was inept and careless and yes, as a school counsellor I was irked by this but if you step back the show is using the character of Mr. Porter to make a more significant, political statement. Mr. Porter represents the sad reality that is faced in many schools in the USA. As for Canadian schools, I can only speak for southern Alberta but I think it's similar elsewhere, we have trained mental health professionals in the role of counsellor. Mr. Porter represents the American norm of having teachers "become" guidance counsellors after very little to no training. Find out what credentials school counsellors have in your area and if your counsellors are not trained in either social work or counselling psychology then write your elected officials to change this NOW. Teachers are great and can do much of the job of a counsellor with their transferable skills and basic human empathy but there are some situations, particularly those that include suicidal ideations and the reporting of sexual assault, in which trained professionals have a specific way to respond that has shown to be best practices. If a school counsellor hasn't been trained because the school counsellor is just the football coach who needs to fill in a few more hours per week to fulfill his full FTE than we have a problem. Every school should have a trained mental health professional in the building. This show makes a very appropriate critique of how some schools need more and better resources for the well-being of the students.

That suicide is not a happy ending. Many people were disappointed with how the season ended. Storylines were not completed. There was no hope. There was no restitution or silver lining. There was no happy ending. This is not unlike actual suicide. When someone you know dies of suicide the loose ends don't just figure themselves out three weeks later. There is no justice. This show should not have had a happy ending and it didn't. In reality, survivors of suicide deal with grief, loss, and guilt at some level or another indefinitely. Hollywood likes to tie their storylines in a nice, pretty bow so that the viewer can digest the story and move on to the next one. This story is nowhere near over. That being said I'm not looking forward to the supposed season 2. I actually appreciated that I was left feeling empty, frustrated, and sad about how this show ended and I think this is a lesson that can be learned by anyone that watches it. Suicide is not a happy ending, it's not even an ending, its pain permeates for ages.