Signs that your fear of not being loved has contaminated your parenting

One of the most paradigm shifting books on parenting out there these days has got to be "The Awakened Family" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. I admit not everyone will agree with everything she presents but overall I find it immensely helpful as a parent and a professional in regards to developing a philosophy that will guide my parenting.

I am working on writing a full review on her book but in the meantime I wanted to quickly share a portion of her book that I felt was appropriate for a brief post.

The idea here is that, contrary to popular parenting philosophy, parenting is not about the child. It's about you the parent. Parenting is about raising yourself. What's meant by that, as best as I understand it, is that we often bring our own insecurities into the parent-child relationship and allow that baggage to obstruct the progress of our children. Parenting often becomes most effective when we turn the corrective focus from our children to ourselves. Tsabary uses a humorous but genius analogy where in a parent-teacher interview they discuss little Johnny's inability to focus in class so the teacher assigns the parents to attend a 3 month mindfulness course so that they can learn to curb their nervous energy that is affecting their child so much. Kid are constantly feeding off our energy. Without shame or blame, we should be asking ourselves when our kids are being difficult, "What is this situation saying about me?"

How do we know what we should change? Having children is one of the best ways to highlight our own imperfections and vulnerabilities. People, when reflecting on their own parents, often say that their Mom or Dad never really saw them or accepted them for who they really were. We are raised with a "template of invalidation" where we have deep insecurities about our parents being disappointed in us for how we turned out. When we have children, these insecurities are reactivated as we recreate our childhood interactions with them. To make up for our own inadequacies we turn our children into projects that constantly need to be fixed or managed... you see where this is going? It's the circle of the inadequate life.

Here are some signs that your fear of not being loved or accepted has seeped its way into your parenting:

Overpleasing your child by buying their love. It's so hard for you to sit with the potential that your child may not like you that you need to change their disposition and hopefully their appraisal of you as quickly and as easily as possible. It's a slippery slope to buy them presents to cover up your own attachment anxiety.

You find it difficult to make boundaries with your child. Your child runs the roost and you're afraid that if you do anything differently you might have to be subject to her disapproval. This is more about your fear than her disobedience.

It's hard for you to be consistent and firm. As your self-confidence waxes and wanes so does your ability to follow through with your word. Children need to know what the expectations are and if your fear of losing their love controls you then you won't be able to provide consistency.

You interpret your child's natural pushback as rejection. Children at various ages will test boundaries and assert their will. They  are figuring out life and how to be a human being. I'm not saying that you have to like it but if your child's pushback feels the same as when your girlfriend broke up with you after prom then you know that you have some self-raising to do.

You see your child's reactions as a personal attack on you. If it were up to them they would choose Netflix and ice cream (so would I) and sometimes they will be cranky when you make boundaries and steer them in another direction. If you are taking their reaction personally than you need to find out what needs to healed in your heart.

Nothing your child does is good enough which reflects your own inner feelings of lack. I may have not mastered the cello but heaven help me my children will. We have all seen parents living vicariously through their children whether it was sports, music, or academics. Supportive parents are great but let's leave the perfectionism for the coaches.

You find it hard to separate your child's identity from your own because yours is so shaky. Your boy is a lot like you and he's great. But he isn't you. Don't take it personally when he doesn't like the same books as you did or decides he isn't actually that into football. He's your son but he's also a human being who is completely separate and distinct from you.

You get in to a rage with your child because, unaware of the infinite resources in your core being, you are running empty. As you improve your mindful awareness, as you are empowered by infinity that is found in the present moment you will find resources to be more engaged with your children and break the cycle of invalidation and rejection. You become awakened to your true self and therefore awaken your entire family.

More on that next time.