The Psychology of...

It has been a long while since I shared anything but given that we are heading into a new school year and my focus has shifted towards elementary school counselling I thought I would share what I think are essential elements for our youngsters to have a great year. These ideas are adapted primarily from Dr. Martin Seligman who is considered the father of Positive Psychology. He laid out a framework for well-being which I believe fits across age levels, The acronym to help you remember this framework is P.E.R.M.A. ( P ositive emotion, E ngagement, R elationships, M eaning, and A chievement ). Each facet of PERMA is separate although interconnected piece of your child's "have a good year" puzzle. I am going to briefly explain some empirically supported strategies to help you help your child develop each of these facets so that they can be happier and more successful this year. Positive Emotions Before I launch into the admittedly overly optimistic and sometimes naive...

Many parents fight vehemently for the right to be the sole sex educator for their children.  The idea of letting some stranger (nurse, teacher, counsellor) who may or may not share the parent's values, talk to their kids about a topic so delicate and important as sex might be unsettling.  Parents reserve the right to be in charge of their children's sex education and I don't argue against that. A teacher, nurse, or counsellor is not the perfect way to teach your child about sex but I think we need to admit that putting the onus entirely on the parent is not perfect either.  For many parents the sex talk is a dreaded, awkward, one time event which is swiftly pushed into the far reaches of the memories of everyone involved.  I haven't met many parents who look forward to the sex talk with their kids. But let's be honest. Is there really one neat set of facts about sex that we can share with our kids when we deem them ready and then call it done, never to be spoken...

Do you remember getting in trouble for saying the word penis?  Whether it was a verbal warning, soap in the mouth, or "that look" that told you not to repeat that word again in public, many of you can probably recall the time that you found out that certain body parts were shameful. I admit, hearing the names of genitalia come out of children's mouths is unsettling but when this happens we adults have an important teaching opportunity that we can't squander. So your kid says vagina in public... you might be embarrassed... but let's consider the alternative and unfortunately more common result. Kids learn that words like penis and vagina are shameful first because Mom and Dad won't even say them. Parents opt for "less threatening" euphemisms. Adults scoff and overreact if kids do use the actual words, reinforcing the idea that their genitals and the words for them are bad. Then, from media or peers, kids learn new words to represent ...

There are a lot of Facebook posts and blogs going around that demonize pornography. Critics respond to these posts by blaming ultra conservative, right-wing religions for imposing their brand of morality on the rest of the world. "Stay out of our bedrooms," they demand. To which I reply, gladly. Here is where I have a problem with the porn industry. Most people's conceptualization of mainstream pornography is silicone injected women posing nude or being filmed performing sex acts (which, despite being extremely objectifying, is seen as relatively tame or harmless by most people). The truth is, 88% of the most viewed pornography depicts violent acts ( Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C., & Liberman, R. (2010) . We are not talking about steamy skin flicks that little Johnny might stumble across randomly. Online pornography provides instant and free access to any deviant or violent sexual act you could dream of. Young people these days are growing up...

There are few social science researchers that hit the “rock star” status equivalency but if there is one that you want to be familiar with I’d have to say it’s Phil Zimbardo. Most people are familiar with his Stanford Prison study from the 70s but Dr. Z has continued to contribute paradigm shifting research and theory since then. He presented a theory called the “Lucifer Effect” which is essentially how good regular people (which for all intents and purposes is virtually every human being) end up doing horrific and evil deeds. He defines evil as the exercise of power to harm others psychologically, hurt them physically, destroy them mortally, or to commit crimes against humanity. In my line of work, partners of addicts often ask, “How could he do this to me?” “Does he have no soul?” “Is he just evil?” “Is he a sociopath?” How does a good, loving, considerate man chronically and consistently choose infidelity over faithfulness? How does a good person threaten their job by act...

Terrible things happen in the world every day and we are becoming more and more aware of how human beings react to these events. When we think of traumatic experiences we typically think of the horrors of war, natural disasters, or heinous crimes. In my work I see the devastating and often traumatizing effects of serial infidelity due to an addiction. One of the most common and normal responses to trauma is a shattered belief about the self, others, and the future. Your entire world changes and it takes a while to make sense of this new reality that you've been handed. If you are experiencing this after a traumatic life event, this does not necessarily mean you have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). In the case of a partner of a sex addict, she might begin to question her own worth or beauty. She would wonder how she could have missed what are now blatantly obvious signs that something was amiss. Her ability to trust her husband or men in general could be completely shattere...

Money is one of our culture's deepest taboos. You can't talk about how much you  make or spend or save or invest although we still find not so subtle ways of getting that same point across. Financial status is our culture's ultimate litmus test of success.  In our culture your salary, your possessions, and your bank account define you so when you feel like your spending habits are out of control, when your debt keeps piling on, or your relationships are crumbling due to financial infidelity, the last thing you want to do is tell anyone or admit to anything. This is when people crawl further into hiding where the addiction thrives. It's estimated that 6% of Americans (and Canadians wouldn't be much different) struggle with spending compulsively. Keep in mind that behaviours aren't considered addictions until they cause significant distress and complications in one's life. In the case of this issue distress may come in many forms. Arguments over money and s...