What is it like to be the partner of a sex addict?

"I loved my husband and I wanted his comfort, yet he was the source of my searing pain." 
- a partner of a sex addict.
Imagine that you are walking in a park when all of a sudden you are assaulted. Imagine the trauma of having your safety and security compromised in a place that you thought was safe. And then imagine that the person to whom you most wanted to go for comfort during this delicate and vulnerable event was the very assailant that attacked you in the first place.

This is one of the best analogies I have heard to describe the experience of someone who finds out that their partner struggles with addictive sexual behaviours. Working for LifeSTAR Alberta I have had the rewarding opportunity to work with groups of women whose husbands have compulsive sexual behaviours. When people first hear of our program they think immediately and only of the addict. In fact LifeSTAR was one of the first and is still one of the only programs that provides comprehensive treatment for the partner as well as the addict. In the past, a woman would make the life changing discovery that her husband had been seeing escorts for the last 10 years and then be told, "he is going to go get help. Meanwhile, you stay home and keep it together while he heals." Only recently has the trauma and pain that is potentially experienced from chronic infidelity been validated and taken seriously.

Some argue that these women are just prudes. Maybe if they were better looking. Maybe if they "put out" more. Maybe if they were more liberal. Or some judge them on the other extreme. Maybe they're spineless and should have left that dirtbag years ago. Maybe if they had self-respect. Maybe they are just doormats. Maybe they deserve it.

The fact that society views women this way is deplorable but I'm going to save this particular rant for another post. What essentially happens is though, is that the addict goes to get help and the partner gets judged while she tries to figure out what to do next.

Partners feel shock, confusion, fear. They ask themselves, "How long will it take?" "Should I stay or go" "When will the pain go away?" "Who is he?" "Are my kids safe?" "If I forgive him will he just think that everything is fine?" "Didn't I love him enough?"

Here are some quick stats thanks to Dr. Barbara Steffen

  • 70% of partners of sex addicts meet criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
  • 84% learn about the addiction by accidental discovery
  • 75% made the discovery themselves
  • 5% made the discovery through someone else (friend, acquaintance, black mailer)
  • 15% learned from a confession in therapy
There is much more to be said but this post is really just to validate the women out there struggling with this issue who don't know where to turn or who to tell. Your strife is real. It is not just in your head. You are not the only one. You ARE enough.

If there is a car accident, both parties need to go to the hospital. Whether you are with him still or not, the benefits of getting counselling, especially in a group setting are awesome. Awesome in that it is awe-inspiring to see these strong, beautiful women go from a place of pain, fear, shame, and trauma to that of confidence, whole-heartedness, vulnerability, and love.

At LifeSTAR there are amazing things done every day with partners groups and the trained counsellors that lead them. If you don't have a LifeSTAR nearby and would like to talk to someone about this I offer online coaching at www.rhodenizercounselling.com



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