How to build a sex addict

After treating dozens of people who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviours and reading case studies of hundreds of others I have become aware of certain common themes in their life stories. Here is a list and a description of those themes according to my experience.

How to Build a Sex Addict:

1) Sexualize them early. This might be the most obvious theme.  Virtually all women and a large portion of men who struggle with sex addiction were sexually abused as children.  It is also my experience that the men I have seen had been exposed to or had actively sought out pornography and/or sexual touching with peers by the age of 12 which most would agree is too young to process such emotions. Although these trends are common, it is my opinion that early sexualization in itself only contributes to the development of a sexual addiction when in conjunction with the next theme.

2) Isolate and abandon them. Most of us have experienced some form of neglect or abandonment at one point or another.  Perhaps our parents worked a lot or everyone at home stuck to themselves and did their own thing, leaving you to fend for yourself.  Or maybe your family was so chaotic you couldn't trust that they would be there when you needed them.  Maybe you moved around a lot and never quite seemed to fit in at school or church.  Attachment injuries (such as feeling abandoned or neglected) cut deep.  We find ways to cope.  Maybe through eating, over-achieving, or isolating.  You might have put up walls to protect yourself from getting hurt and meanwhile, behind those walls, you found yourself alone.  Maybe you didn't trust anymore that your needs could be met by your family or friends.  Then you remember the rushing excitement and the numbing climax of acting out sexually.

3) Be an over-controlling parent.  Parents want what's best for you so maybe they stayed on top of you 24/7, never giving you a break.  With your parents over your shoulder at every moment you were never able to really find out for yourself how to manage your emotions.  You were robbed of the opportunity to exercise your integrity.  Dr. Jenna Shapka from UBC found that what best predicted whether or not teenagers engaged in risky online behaviours was not the fact that Mom and Dad were aware of their behaviours but how they were made aware.  Kids who report that their parents hound them about what they do online tended to act out even more.  It was the kids who felt safe enough to tell their parents themselves who acted out the least.

4) Don't model emotional regulation.  Any addiction boils down to pain control.  If a child is not given the tools to recognize, express, and regulate his or her emotions they are in severe risk of using substances or behaviours to numb out or distract.

5) Shame them about sex.  Many children get the message from early childhood that their genitals are disgusting or abhorrent and that they need to be hidden.  Adolescents (not just boys) are naturally curious about sexuality as their hormones rage and they discover attraction.  When adolescents receive the message that they are inherently evil or unworthy because of these desires they are likely to  further isolate from others and use their sexual behaviours or other potentially problematic behaviours to soothe.  In my short time counselling sex addicts I can't count how many times the men have lamented the fact that no one was willing to talk to them about sex or masturbation when they were younger.  Their parents pulled them out of "the talk" in school and neglected to teach it to them themselves. Instead, the boys got their sex education from hardcore pornography and the highly objectifying media.  Because sex was so taboo, many youngsters equate sex with breaking the rules, making it so that only prohibited encounters are appealing. After being sexual, the adolescent would rather die than admit guilt because of the shaming messages ingrained in them from their parents or cultural belief system.

6) Keep secrets.  Secrets are the lifeblood of addictions.  Kids who grew up in families who didn't admit their faults or limits learn that keeping secrets is not only acceptable but preferable.  As long as your image holds up, you can hide and deny anything you want.  With this pattern in place, sex addicts can thrive in isolation and manage two or more "identities" with relative ease.  One is a successful business and family man whereas the other acts out sexually without any regard to the people he loves the most.

You're only as sick as your secrets.