Part 2: Addicted to sex?

I had a cancellation so I'm going to keep going. First of all, let's just review that sex addiction is not a moralistic condemnation of what goes on in some people's bedroom compared to what goes on in others. In fact, I myself cringe at the stigma that surrounds the word addiction to the point that I prefer to use compulsive sexual behaviours. Regardless, we're talking about the same thing. An inability to stop a behaviour that has had negative consequences on one's life, and that has caused the person's life to be unmanageable and out of control. So who are the people I see? The people that walk through the doors of LifeSTAR are some of the bravest people I know. They have been suffering with something that most people laugh at, ignore, deny, or discredit. They have been hiding that which in some circles brings more shame than anything else... and they come to group therapy of all things. They lay it on the line and open up with me and other group members in ways that perhaps they have never opened up in their entire life. I then become one of the select few who are privileged to hear their story. One of the reasons this treatment model (group therapy, supported by individual/couples therapy, and a solid 12 step program) is so effective is that sex addiction is in essence an intimacy disorder. But shouldn't a compulsion to have sex bring you closer to someone? Remember, we are not defining sex addiction by how many times you have or want to have sex. If you and your partner are connecting sexually multiple times a day, all the power to you. The key word there is connecting. When someone has a compulsive relationship with sex, he or she is addicted more to the opportunity of it... not so much the act itself. Hence the hours spent searching for pornography, or cruising the streets, or testing the limits with a co-worker with whom he would "never cross that line." Of course, after being preoccupied so much with the possibility of a "carrot", eventually the addict indulges fully. But instead of feeling satisfied and connected sexually they are then overwhelmed with guilt and shame. "I did it again. I promised I would never do it... and I did it again." The shame is so debilitating that the addict is driven further and further into secrecy and hiding. They are plagued by feeling unworthy, unloveable, or evil. They withdraw further from the people and activities that give them the most meaning and fall into isolation. The isolation is so lonely, so painful that the only effective distraction is to think about new sexual possibilities. "I wonder who will be on stage tonight?" "I wonder what videos will be posted today?" "I wonder how long it will take me to get someone to hook up?" Meanwhile their loved ones are pushed further and further away wondering, "Is it me?" "Is he mad at me?" "Am I not enough for him?" It's a vicious cycle that might escalate to unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, or problems with the law but more importantly it is a problem that WILL lead to isolation. Isolation is the worst form of torture and deepest hell in the human existence. So I am elated when I see a guilt ridden, mortified man, woman or couple walk through the LifeSTAR doors. They are stepping out of the shadows and into a safe place where they can finally work on this demon that has haunted them often since childhood. The people that come for help are giants to me. Many of them have done things that might make you cringe but all of them are the type of people that would make you proud to say that you know them.